Positive experiences can sometimes feel like butterflies in our lives. Not only do they seem somewhat fleeting and unexpected, but we typically wait for them to come to us. Rarely do we actively pursue them or think of them as something that can actually build. We wait for our partners to be kind, our kids to be respectful, or bosses or employees to be appreciative and engaged, etc. And while we wait, frustrations build because the positive things in our life feel like they don’t happen nearly as often as we would like. And all the while, unbeknownst to us, others are waiting for us, just like we are waiting for them, all the while frustration building because we haven’t quite arrived at where their desires would like us to be.
In most instances, waiting is futile. It does little to build anything. In Vietnam, there was a term that was used that described what seemed to differentiate prisoners of war in being able to cope, and it was termed a “fantasy rescue.” Those who had fantasies of being rescued actually tended to do worse than those who didn’t expect this to happen. This is because those who fantasized of being rescued tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year…in many instances, never were. This added to the stress and desperation of their situation, because not only were they captured but they were also seemingly forgotten as the rescue vessels consistently failed to arrive. Ironically, those who fared better were those who didn’t focus on being rescued but instead looked at what they had immediately around them, whatever that might be, and set goals around those immediate things. Simple, small things like digging a small hole, gathering up a small number of sticks or twine, working towards getting something loose, as insignificant as this may seem in the grand picture of escape and rescue, were exponentially more effective in keeping a sense of hope because of one small but essential difference – they had control over it. A sense of control is incredible in being able to manage stress, frustration, disappointment, and even the horror of being a prisoner of war. Waiting and fantasy rescues etch away at our resolve and our sense that we have a say to some extent, independent of what others say or do, in how things will go. So when you are dealing with frustrations, whatever they may be, rather than scanning the horizon for any possible sign of a rescue vessel, looking instead immediately around for a small tool with which you can build, is a pivotal shift in building real solutions in our lives.
One of the most important things we can focus on as we realize the true control we have in our lives is in recognizing how we can build positive experiences with our supportive resources. A supportive resource can be anything that gives a sense of support and respite. It can be a person, an animal, nature, or any other positive living force that builds a sense of reprieve and respite within. In addition, they can be real or imagined. As long as we can visualize it and make it real in our minds (as we keep grounded with reality at the same time), it has the potential to build a sense of support and respite. However, just like that beautiful butterfly, we tend to wait for these things to enter our lives, scanning the horizon for any glimmer or glint that they may be nearby. As we do this, we experience not only a lot of frustration but a general sense that our resources are not as accessible as they may actually be.
Instead, recognizing what we can do to build either our relationship with them or our level of proximity to them, can be powerful in gaining a sense that we don’t have to go through life’s storms alone. And being in consistent proximity to the things that give us support and reprieve is a fundamental component of enhancing resilience in our lives. None of us was meant to go it alone, and whether it be people or other positive living forces, keeping a close ongoing connection to support is essential in strengthening the calming centers of the brain. BrainSculpt MindSpa has several programs that are specifically designed to help you recognize ways that you can actively build positive experiences with the supportive resources in your life. As we learn to actively build rather than passively wait for a sense of support, we build within us a well of resolve that can help us respond resiliently to life’s seeming perpetual storms.
